Good afternoon, Chickens!
Lordy, it is HOT up in here! Summer has arrived and with it are the problems of A/C and not enough of it, as well as summer fashions. My first rave today has to be on restaurants and the use of the air conditioning. There is a certain establishment over in Lakeview that I like to meet friends in the afternoon for a glass of wine and a little gossip. Now they have decided that opening the door is the equivalent of turning on the A/C. Well, it is not! They have outside seating and if I wanted to sit in the humidity, I would have chosen a seat outside in the dampness. Now this woman hasn’t left the house without a panty girdle since I was 12, so this bitch stays hot and sweat is not pretty in a panty girdle. If I am going to pay $8 for a cheap glass of pinot grigio, you got to turn on the air! Now don’t get me wrong, I love to come by and see everyone but if you’re going to be cheap and not run the air, I’m not coming!
Now, I know it is hot and there is a certain time to wear cooler clothing but we have got to establish some ground rules for the women and the men because some of the people walking around here look a mess and it has got to stop.
Women: I know all of you like these big old shapeless dresses that look like you have pulled down the drapes out of the parlor and pulled them over your head without even a hem but there are rules. I was sitting in my Mercedes the other day and this woman walked in front of my car dressed this way and I wanted to go out and throw a blanket over her. She had not bothered to put one stitch of foundation on under her clothes. Every extra inch was jingling all over the street. You could have played the drums on her. Her girls were bouncing so high you would have thought she was in danger of getting a black eye and I am not even sure what was going on below the belt! I can tell you that she had on NO underwear because you could see it all through the thin mesh of her slip of a dress. EXCUSE ME! SPANKS! Tie that shit down. No one wants to see all that jingle going down the sidewalk. I don’t care how hot it is… if you can’t do better than that, stay at home and sit naked in your own house, but don’t parade it in front of us.
No matter how tall you are or how high your heels, hem the dress. I have seen so many women in these big old dresses walking around on the bottom of them. Did your mama not teach you to hem a dress? If you are that ignorant, use duct tape!
Men: Now I am not a fan of men in an open toe shoe, especially a flip flop! But if you insist on being so tacky as to wear a pair, get a pedicure! No one wants to see your old dirty, snaggy, long toenails all sticking out from your dirty rubber thongs as we go sailing by in a lovely biscuit heel or linen loafer. There are hundreds of places lining every road from Mountain Brook to Jasper of a lovely Asian lady that will clip, file, grind and moisturize those feet so when you want to slip on great leather flip flops, you will look refined and intelligent.
Now, you know your Auntie loves to share a little gossip. A little birdie told me yesterday that the owners of a leading jewelry store here in the Magic City, with a home base in North Carolina, have been put under house arrest for money laundering and human trafficking. With an operation in Israel, one wonders what in the world they could have been up to for such a punishment. Their local branch here in Birmingham has been growing rapidly in the last couple of years so it’s very interesting that no other news operation has taken up on this issue thus far. I wonder how it will end. I’m sure we will hear directly.
Now always remember your Auntie loves you and only wants to steer you in the right direction, so heed my advice and I’ll never betray you! Love you, Chickens!